What if, when I am feeling distinctly alone and wishing I had someone to love me, I loved myself. Or when I really wish there was someone who would care for me, if I took the time to care for myself.
This strand of thought has taken off in my head.... If I would love for someone to be kind to me, what would it look like for me to offer that kindness to myself? If I am asking for some understanding and compassion from those around me, what would it look like if I provided that understanding and compassion for myself?
It seems to me that no matter what it is that I am longing for I can turn it around, rephrase it and see what the world would look like if I provided that for myself.
I think it can be a dangerously thin line - on the one hand, seeking from within that which I yearn for, and on the other hand, an almost violent "forget=the-world" response to disappointment by insisting on utter self-reliance doing everything for one's self. One is gentle and loving. It is, in fact, the way we complete ourselves. The other is alienating and almost a form of self ostracism, where we cut ourselves off from the world. It's the former I've been contemplating.
For me, this question of looking within, rather than looking without for the things I think I need, has almost become a compulsion. When I catch the thought - "Oh, I wish I had someone to love me," I can finally cut it off and ask myself what it would look like if I loved myself so much that I didn't feel that. Wouldn't it make me even more lovable and attractive to others? That thing I feel, that desire that someone else love me when I don't so much, is the root of every contemplative thought around this reaching out into the world for what I think I want. How can it make sense to want someone else to be kind to me? When I turn my attention to self-kindness, I can feel the hectic, frenzied stress of life peel away from me, and, if I'm honest with myself, I know that no one else can give that to me. If I just want to be understood, and I turn my attention to really looking around at what's going on, I garner a deeper understanding than anyone else could ever give me. If I want compassion and I sit with where I am, what I am going through and how I feel about it, the process is so much more cathartic than when someone else says, I feel for you.
When it comes to human contact, I still need and want it, I still adore my friends and I really, really enjoy spending time with them, but when I am taking care of myself in this way, the person I bring to the table is somehow more capable of deeply satisfying personal relationships than the one always a little desperately seeking something from others, because that one was never really satisfied.
What I am learning from this process of constant reflection is to really look at what I am reaching out into the world for, what I am asking for from others, and checking to see whether it's something that actually comes more from within than without. When I bring myself to the table as someone who already has self-kindness, self-love, self-compassion, someone tuned in to myself and taking care of myself, then companionship, fun get-togethers, help on some project, loving friendships - these things take on new levels of satisfaction, pleasure and sheer depth of connection.
I'm still learning to remember to ask what I am reaching out for, but I think in some ways that is because we are so conditioned to look outside for what we are seeking inside. The whole world of sales and marketing is built upon this concept so much that it is really hard to see past it. Combine that with having learned to be of service to others, but never having been taught to take care of ourselves, and it's no wonder it's all a confusing mess. I am beginning to identify those "need" moments now, and sometimes, I can even see them coming before they are actually there. If I get too tired, or my thoughts start turning to complaining, or I feel some resentment because I am taking care of the needs of others. It's like a petulant little person in my head wants to start pouting - that moment - that's the one where I can consistently get an answer if I ask what is missing for me. If I start saying things to myself like, "I wish someone would give me a break," that is the moment I can turn into the superhero for myself. I can simply turn it around and say, "what would it look like if I could give myself a break?" The thing is, often times I can! I am the ore creating the pressure and the time lines, and I can just stop. I can look at the situation and take appropriate measures to ensure that whatever follows, it will include a break for me.
It's that moment of reaching out and wanting something from the world, from outside of myself that is the clue. As soon as I tap into that, a whole world of new opportunities opens up; and opportunities that are insanely fulfilling. It's worth it.
© Darshan F Jessop 2016
