When I Reach Out in the World...

     Lately I've been meditating a lot on what it means when I am reaching out in the world for something and what it might look like if I phrased that differently.  

     What if, when I am feeling distinctly alone and wishing I had someone to love me, I loved myself. Or when I really wish there was someone who would care for me, if I took the time to care for myself. 

     This strand of thought has taken off in my head.... If I would love for someone to be kind to me, what would it look like for me to offer that kindness to myself? If I am asking for some understanding and compassion from those around me, what would it look like if I provided that understanding and compassion for myself? 

     It seems to me that no matter what it is that I am longing for I can turn it around, rephrase it and see what the world would look like if I provided that for myself. 

     I think it can be a dangerously thin line - on the one hand, seeking from within that which I yearn for, and on the other hand, an almost violent "forget=the-world" response to disappointment by insisting on utter self-reliance doing everything for one's self. One is gentle and loving. It is, in fact, the way we complete ourselves. The other is alienating and almost a form of self ostracism, where we cut ourselves off from the world. It's the former I've been contemplating.

     For me, this question of looking within, rather than looking without for the things I think I need, has almost become a compulsion. When I catch the thought - "Oh, I wish I had someone to love me," I can finally cut it off and ask myself what it would look like if I loved myself so much that I didn't feel that. Wouldn't it make me even more lovable and attractive to others? That thing I feel, that desire that someone else love me when I don't so much, is the root of every contemplative thought around this reaching out into the world for what I think I want. How can it make sense to want someone else to be kind to me? When I turn my attention to self-kindness, I can feel the hectic, frenzied stress of life peel away from me, and, if I'm honest with myself, I know that no one else can give that to me. If I just want to be understood, and I turn my attention to really looking around at what's going on, I garner a deeper understanding than anyone else could ever give me. If I want compassion and I sit with where I am, what I am going through and how I feel about it, the process is so much more cathartic than when someone else says, I feel for you. 

     When it comes to human contact, I still need and want it, I still adore my friends and I really, really enjoy spending time with them, but when I am taking care of myself in this way, the person I bring to the table is somehow more capable of deeply satisfying personal relationships than the one always a little desperately seeking something from others, because that one was never really satisfied. 

     What I am learning from this process of constant reflection is to really look at what I am reaching out into the world for, what I am asking for from others, and checking to see whether it's something that actually comes more from within than without. When I bring myself to the table as someone who already has self-kindness, self-love, self-compassion, someone tuned in to myself and taking care of myself, then companionship, fun get-togethers, help on some project, loving friendships - these things take on new levels of satisfaction, pleasure and sheer depth of connection. 

     I'm still learning to remember to ask what I am reaching out for, but I think in some ways that is because we are so conditioned to look outside for what we are seeking inside. The whole world of sales and marketing is built upon this concept so much that it is really hard to see past it. Combine that with having learned to be of service to others, but never having been taught to take care of ourselves, and it's no wonder it's all a confusing mess. I am beginning to identify those "need" moments now, and sometimes, I can even see them coming before they are actually there. If I get too tired, or my thoughts start turning to complaining, or I feel some resentment because I am taking care of the needs of others. It's like a petulant little person in my head wants to start pouting - that moment - that's the one where I can consistently get an answer if I ask what is missing for me. If I start saying things to myself like, "I wish someone would give me a break," that is the moment I can turn into the superhero for myself. I can simply turn it around and say, "what would it look like if I could give myself a break?" The thing is, often times I can! I am the ore creating the pressure and the time lines, and I can just stop. I can look at the situation and take appropriate measures to ensure that whatever follows, it will include a break for me. 

     It's that moment of reaching out and wanting something from the world, from outside of myself that is the clue. As soon as I tap into that, a whole world of new opportunities opens up; and opportunities that are insanely fulfilling. It's worth it. 



© Darshan F Jessop 2016
     

Mind, Stop!

I got to spend the day with a very dear friend of mine. We are both going through a very tumultuous time in our lives, though each of us is experiencing very different things. We got to talk a lot about how our experiences affect us. The thing that I found most fascinating is what we make those experiences mean.

It's so easy, when going through deep or troubling times to be out of it: less aware of others maybe, more focused on self, more processing, maybe there are hitherto unknown depths of sadness or messed-up-ness that we're working through, maybe we can't always think, or maybe lethargy is limiting our ability to participate in life like we used to.

Whatever it is that we are experiencing, for me the real question is "What am I making that mean?" And since I know myself very well, I also know that for me to allow whatever I am making it mean to take over, is like condemning myself to the worst possible torture. For example, just because I am feeling deep grief, sadness and with it lethargy, does not necessarily mean that I am a lazy sod. If I am able to let go of the story long enough, I can also see that I am recovering from surgery, very tired and have mountains of responsibilities I am having trouble managing. There's nothing lazy about that. And yet, if I let my mind have it's way, I would be well on my way to believing that I am the worst possibly lazy butt in the entire universe. What?!?!

That's just one teensy tiny example! How many more stories can I spin? Well, as a matter of fact, I can spin thousands, probably millions, at the wink of an eye. And why would i want to do that to myself.

No, no, no, no. What becomes important for me is doing whatever it takes to stop the mind from it's reign of terror inducing storytelling. The main and most important thing you are doing is stopping the self-flagellation that is inherent when the stories start spinning. Mind, stop!!! Because those stories are the ones that make us feel less-than, worse than, bad, awful, unworthy and unlovable creatures. Just do whatever it takes.

Mantra works for this. Meditation works for this. Walking, synchronized movement, dancing, writing...it seems like there are many. Only problem is that when I am feeling down, sad, grief-stricken, lethargic or just plain tired, I can't always rally the energy for any of those more traditional paths to quieting the mind. Then again, years of practice have made it possible to at least recognize the state of mindlessness, the state of stopping the mind from its incessant prattling, the state of letting go of the story and the storytelling.

I think - just do whatever it takes to stop the mind from fabricating stories, and especially stop it from fabricating stories that make you out to be the worst villain ever. It doesn't matter if that looks like "wasting time," "avoidance," or dillydallying around. If it's watching marathons, reading entire libraries, playing solitaire (or Freecell!), coloring, or walking for miles, it doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters is that the story has no ground beneath it and can't stand on its own two feet.

Mind, stop! Let the story go.

Later, when things pass, as all things do, and you have the space to look back, then you will not need to look back on how desperately you beat yourself up for basically BEING HUMAN - having feelings, making mistakes, doing goofy things, not understanding something, misinterpreting a situation, badly judging your ability, or whatever it is. It's just a moment and this moment will pass.

Beating yourself up is such an ugly thing to look back on and it is so unnecessary, and at the same time it is very, very normal. We all do it in one way or another, make ourselves out to be 'less than' just because we experience something that is hard to deal with. It's not necessary. By choosing to stop the mind from its rambling, you can step away from those stories of horror and incompetence at life and shift into a state of relative neutrality.

Stop the mind. Give yourself a break today. You deserve it!!

Blessings.
Darshan



©2016 DFJ

The Power of Love

We have ongoing dissent at our house around dinner time. I like to be peaceful around food and others prefer the news. My personal opinion on the news is that it is owned by Big Business, and used as a tool to manipulate, and this makes it hard for me to watch it with any kind of equanimity, whereas others feel they want to be informed.

But really the reason I don't want to watch the news is because in the wake of recent world events, I find the manipulation both abhorrent and heartbreaking; abhorrent in it's determination to monger fear into our hearts and heartbreaking in every other way.

I don't think that fear mongering will change anything in the world. It creates fight or flight stress, it throws people into mass panic, and it very often under-educates and misleads.

Love on the other hand, love opens our hearts. Love clears the space for empathy and compassion. Love makes us look beyond our own bodily reaction in the light of tragic events and reach for whatever we can do - comfort a friend, travel to a place or a land in duress and offer services or bow our heads in prayer.

Love makes us search for ways to change things, to do something, to do anything to change what is hurting us, and by extension, those we feel compassion and empathy for. And the repercussions of love are so much more far-reaching than those of fear. While fear would have us cowering and hiding away from what 'could' happen, love takes us out to make waves in the energy of the world,creating a ripple effect to change the very constitution of it.

My new mantra is, "I believe in Love," and right now, with all the horrifying news funneled to us everyday (and hanging out on social media is no protection from the far-reaching effects of fear-mongering mainstream media), I am chanting it often.

In fact, everytime something happens it is my only mantra - I believe in love, I believe in love, I believe in love. Because love triumphs every single time. For every person steeped in hate, there are thousands who believe in love; for every act of violence against our fellow mankind, animals or the earth itself, there are thousands of people doing acts of kindness, courage and compassion to help people and our planet.

Why am I writing this? Well, the news really is horrifying and there really is no escaping the negativity and fear it creates, but the rest is a choice. Despite whatever happens, we have the choice in how to respond and this is, in its own little way, a call for us all to remember that love always triumphs. Always. In all ways. Love is the most powerful ripple effect we can create and each one of us is empowered to create that effect.

Yes, there is a confusing collision of human beings with the intent of hurting and killing people and the rest of us staring wide-eyed in pain at these collisions, AND there is love.

Here are some things to do which lie in the realm of love:
1) Go out and help someone
2) Donate to causes that help while channeling compassion and empathy
3) Meditate on love
4) Tell the people you love that you love them, frequently, and then again
5) Do random acts of kindness
6) Help someone in need without them knowing it is you
7) Keep meditating on love
8) Keep  your heart open and full of light, regardless of the news
9) Plant a garden, be out in nature and remember wholeness
10)  Be with others who recognize the infinite power of love and celebrate it

And there are even much more concrete actions that can be taken. So take them. And take them with love. Do what you can and do it with love, compassion and empathy.

The more ways we encourage love in our lives, the more we create a ripple effect around us, and the more people who focus on this intent, the more ripple effects will be crossing, intersecting and exponentially growing around us in the world. There's no hope for the cowardice, the fear and the killers of this world against the power of love. 

The Passion Behind PUG

After being in a media communications course all morning, I read this quote tonight...

"You must tell your story. Why are you passionate about this thing you so badly want to do as a business idea? Tell it, sing it. Be loud and proud." Vicki Pozzebon

I often post great things that other folks are doing and I can't wait to share all the good things PUG is doing.So I'm telling my story. I am telling the story of Project Urban Greenhouse, affectionately known as PUG.

Once upon a time, I was out of work and I didn't know what to do. I was talking to someone who does Family Constellations and she said, you don't have to know, but here's a good exercise: if you had one million dollars what would you do? Whatever the answer to that question is - DO THAT!

I sat long and hard, meditating on the answer to that question and I drilled down to what I am passionate about - 1) serving people, 2) feeding people, and 3) business. And THIS is how PUG was born.

Of course, since that time, PUG has morphed and morphed again, it has gone through intense business planning and the original vision (as large as the universe) was parsed down, with a definitive part to start with and other parts to work towards. The for profit and the non profit have been fully defined and then defined again because Project Urban Greenhouse is an opportunity to combine business and non-profit work in order to improve accessibility to healthy food for all people. 

"Making healthy food available to every household."

Right now, I have a beautiful piece of property picked out on the south side of Santa Fe, large enough for both the for profit and the non-profit and ideally located amidst housing, schools, and crossroads.

First and foremost on the for-profit side is to set up the urban greenhouse farm, using hydroponic and aeroponic technology which famously uses only 10% of the water that traditional growing takes - absolutely ideal for our arid, water-stricken land. We'll start with greens because there is a good market with greens, then add in tomatoes and gourmet mushrooms, and each year add in more veggies. It's a great model because hydroponic farming has a faster turnaround on growing time, and can be done all year, since it is done inside greenhouses.

First and foremost on the non-profit side is to set up the Marketplace Pavilion. This building will be quite large and will have indoor and covered outdoor sections. I am in conversation with the SF Farmer's Market and would like to speak to southside  farmers to see if they would be interested in our site as a permanent location for their southside market. We will offer the pavilion for local, community and family events.

We also plan to have a commercial kitchen inside the pavilion with the idea of inviting local residents with old family recipes to come and try it out. We'd like to form a connection with larger NM organizations which market foods and help people establish food-based livelihoods by selling their wares. We're also in contact with other organizations who would be grateful to use the kitchen for healthy cooking classes.

That's just the start.

Project Urban Greenhouse is all about creating FOOD EQUITY and FOOD SECURITY for local communities. We want to work with schools and local residents, dig deep to find what is hindering this and find ways to bring about food equity for all neighborhoods regardless of location, ethnicity, or income level. WHY should food equity be a matter of money? Our country is rich enough and advanced enough that no person should ever go hungry. But in NM, 1 out of 3 children goes to bed hungry, seniors have to choose between vital medicine and eating well, and families struggle. These are huge things to tackle and that's why - although they are not a part of our start up - they are never far from our heart. The soul of Project Urban Greenhouse is making food equity a reality.

Project Urban Greenhouse is a startup seeking funding to begin operations. We are perched and ready to GO!


Right now we are seeking funding in two ways:
1) Debt equity, loans or angel funding to start up the for profit urban farm business
2) grants and donations to set up the Marketplace Pavilion (I am currently able to accept tax-deductible donations through my fiscal sponsor HERE and will soon be a 501c3 and able to accept donations directly.)

I am working on a crowdfunding campaign with an amazing local artist that I hope to launch in August.

And in the meantime, I have decided, I will be writing more often about the awesome aspects of Project Urban Greenhouse and why I am so passionate about it.

If you have any questions at all, please contact me!

GO PROJECT URBAN GREENHOUSE!!!! 

Falling Off the Spiritual Bandwagon

I never thought that after 25 or 30 years, it was even possible to fall off a spiritual band wagon. In my mind I knew that if I had the intellectual reason to do or not do something, that would be reason enough. If I have doubts about something, I evaluate it, I decide if it works for me or not. I never thought I could 'forget' again. I had a conscious daily morning spiritual practice. Every morning, I would get up, do specific meditations, and seek the deep, deep silence that was a passion for me, an incredible love. Sometimes I would read prayers, often mantra played a role, sometimes music. But despite how my practice varied over the years one thing was constant, I was committed to it. I didn't miss days, I didn't wake up and think, "Yeah, not today." There was no room for excuses and no matter what was going on in my life, I made room for it.

All of that was in the blissfully ignorant state of not having known deep, abiding, personal grief.

And that changed. In the last year, my life has changed so dramatically, loss has been so deep and so life-altering. And one day I woke up and realized, that special daily connection I had was gone. I had simply forgotten it.

It's not an excuse. I don't really believe in excuses. I do believe in looking at what's going on, evaluating life's circumstances and processing it all to find understanding, to find what I can learn from it. And this is what I have learned:

• Secondhand grief is nothing like the grief you experience on a personal level. Having friends who have lost friends, or parents, or siblings, is nothing like losing someone you hold dear to your own heart. I consider myself very empathetic, and still it was nothing like experiencing it myself. I have a cousin who lost her sister years ago. When my sister died she reached out in a message to me, and I thought about how I couldn't feel her pain all those many years ago, but now, now I could feel it acutely, personally, deeply.
• Grief is isolating because it is so personal. Yes, there are books about it, and TED talks, and friends with their experiences, but there is that difference between what someone else says, feels, thinks and how *I* feel. Yes, there are so many who loved the same person, and yet, every single experience of loving him or her was completely different. Yes, there are a lot of pat expressions, sayings, and exclamations of "You'll get through this," but that isn't the point.  Grief is all encompassing. It is not only the missing connections gone, it is the questions, the struggle against guilt, the sadness that pops at any appropriate or inappropriate time. Grief is also wondering if it could have been different and all those thousands of tiny details missing in action:  the words, the messages, the sweetness, the ready availability of someone to be there at any time. 
• Grief is not limited to death as we know it. Not only did I lose two very dear and very beloved family members, to a certain extent I also lost mobility as osteoarthritis eked away at joints that previously worked fine. I sat for years cross-legged on the floor. Nope, no more. I walked and walked and walked and loved that special soul connection with the skies, or the river, or the beach, or the sidewalk. From one day to the next it stopped. An agile and able body started aching all over and at some point, weakened joints simply stopped working. It is a death of a sort as well, and it's scary. Even with corrective operations, there is so much time wiled away in pain, rest and recuperation, and deeply grieving the changes it has wrought in your life. And there is other grief - the grief of losing one's personal space, losing a job, losing privacy. Grief relates to so much more in life than I knew.
• Sometimes that grief leaves a hole where there once was faith. Sometimes it doesn't. In my case it did. It left me wondering where that connection with the Infinite went. It left me wondering who's got my back, despite having very dear and close friends. For so many years I haven't been able to fathom a day when I get up and don't take those first morning minutes to clear space for that connection to spirit.  And then I found myself sitting on the side of the bed for half an hour, trying to encourage myself to get up. All that energy that had gone into my spiritual practice was now reserved for just getting up! 

The good news is that we never really forget things like a spiritual practice. The harder news is that like anything else - it just takes practice. So, here I am, back at the starting block. I close my eyes and the monkey mind, which I haven't had to deal with for years, is back, I have to start at square one. At least I have the tools.

Life can be a dizzying composite image of life and death, growing, grieving, laughing, crying, working, resting, and so much more.  For me, the daily spiritual practice was what grounded me in my body, what grounded me in the act of being present. Now as I work hard to set aside that time again, now as I do my short little meditations, now as I struggle to find the silence that feeds and nourishes me, now as I struggle not to judge myself or make myself bad for letting go of something that has always been an important part of my self-care, now I get to jump back on the spiritual bandwagon as an older and wiser person who has felt the very ravages of grief and who is finding solace in daily meditation, now I am the old and the new.

Now I know it's not about following directions. Now I know it's not about someone else's beliefs. Now I know that it won't stop life from happening, and it won't protect me from feeling grief or pain or questions or anything else for that matter. Now I know that my spiritual practice is nothing that relates to anyone but me, (and that, I have decided, is a Good Thing). Now I know that falling off the bandwagon doesn't make me bad. Instead, it forces me to find compassion and empathy for myself, and if compassion and empathy aren't the basis, the greatest part of spirituality, what is the point?  Now I know that no amount of guilt-tripping will take me back there, and that only love will do it. Now I can take my years and years of experience and walk myself back, with grace and understanding and kindness.

Yay. ♥

 © Darshan F Jessop 2016

Day of the Dead - June 19

Well, ok, it's not really the Day of the Dead. It's June 19. It's my sister's birthday. It's Father's Day 2016. But for me it's the day of the dead.I couldn't really think of how to deal with the day. And I awoke thinking that today is really my own little day of the dead and that I can turn it into a celebration.

At first, I thought I'd go to the cemetery and visit my sister and my dad via the floo network, since I'm 800 miles away from where they are interred and can't just pop over to San Diego for a brief visit. I thought maybe I'd take my mom with me. We thought we'd go out to dinner where they loved to eat.

Now that I'm up and well into my day I am sad but not devastated, and curious about what this celebration looks like from the inside. My friends are texting me, sending me messages of love. I feel the blessing of them; it helps me relate better to the love I feel for my dad and my sister, rather than the deep, abiding sadness of losing them.

My dad I still feel great peace about. He had lived three years longer than his diagnosis, we had had plenty of time for telephone calls, visits, preparations. We were all around him, holding his hand, telling him how much we loved him as he left his body.

My sister, on the other hand, left suddenly, unexpectedly and way, way, way too soon. She was only 45. She hadn't been ill, she didn't have her family and friends around her when she died. She just went up to her room for a nap and didn't wake up again.

Two completely different deaths within five months of each other. My insides are like a see-saw.
It's hard when anyone leaves. Days like today are bound to be poignant and sad. But I want to also celebrate the beauty of love shared. Had I not known their love, I could not be the person I am today. Had I never known them, life would have robbed me of their joy of service, their incredible arms that opened and welcomed all of us in, their inclusiveness, their sheer kindness.

Today I am remembering a thousand moments of closeness, kindness, joy. Giggles, fights, romps. Shopping trips, visits, Disneyland. Their love of my son, how my dad would listen to him talk about Pokemon for an hour because he was "having a conversation with his grandson and would I please butt out," and how my sister would spoil him rotten. And how, no matter what, whether I was way too busy for my own good or bored out of my mind, whether I was hurting for money or doing alright, whether I was in San Diego or NM or Europe, they were my allies, they were the ones on the sidelines cheering for me, they were the ones who had my back, and whether I was focused enough to appreciate them and show my love or not, they always let me know they cared.

They say that the thing about dying is that you don't want to get to your death bed and have a gazillion regrets. When people you love die, it's like a practice round. You get to think about all things you did say, or didn't, things you regret saying, things you wish you had said much more often. You get to think about whether you could have been kinder, a better sister or daughter, a better friend. You can wrangle with those thoughts and let them eat you up, or you can make yourself a better person because of it.

I like to think that these meandering meditative thoughts have made me a better person, made me more empathetic, more compassionate, more willing to look behind what's going on and give the person underneath a hug. I like to think that in my sister's honor, I am more tolerant and a kinder person. I like to think that in my dad's honor, I am more serviceful.

June 19 will pass. It's only the first of many without these two precious souls in my life. And while it is a special day in its own way, my hope is that my tiny day of the dead celebration feeds me everyday with a reminder of love.

June 19, 2016

Happy Father's Day, papa! Happy birthday, Ali! 

I love  you both so much!

Every Little Thing

I want to write - "every little thing is gonna be alright" because that's what pops into my mind when I think of "every little thing." But not everything is alright. Life shifts and flows, ebbs and morphs, changing all the time. We are inundated with bad news, money scripted politics, and corruption; we are faced in our private lives with life, death and every nuance in between of love, loss, making it, not making it, working, not working, children, no children, partners, no partners, eating, not eating, functioning, not functioning, illness, health, etc. etc. etc.

The question is - what do we do with it all? One person alone isn't able to change the course of political corruption or greed. Sometimes one person alone can't even fix much smaller things, like the dishwasher. But we are not alone. We inhabit the planet with millions and millions of others. The conscious and unconscious choices we make as human beings are what matter, and consciousness has never been more important than now.

Here is where every little thing matters, every little thing counts. You make a decision, it matters. You purchase something, it counts. You post something on social media, it makes a difference. We think we are alone, but we aren't. You may be sitting on your computer at home alone, but what you post could touch millions. Our every action, our every word, even our every thought sends out ripples of energy into the world and we are responsible for that. If you only ever read the doom and gloom, your life will come to represent doom and gloom. If you also read about the good, the caring, the kindness, you will keep your heart alive. If you commit to purchasing your food and sundry at stores where people are paid real wages and you choose food and sundry companies that represent something closer to healthy work environments, you are making a choice that ripples out into the world.

So what I want to say is take a moment to think about what ripples you are creating in the world and choose well with conscious choices. Choose well within your means. Choose thoughts that will uplift you. To the best of your ability (and budget) choose where and how you spend your money knowing the ripple effect and long term impact. Choose your words carefully. Choose kindness. Make conscious choices as much as possible because every little thing matters.

© 2016 mydarshan